I am no doubt possibly world’s worst conversationalist. The most mortifying moments for me are when I have to attend a group dinner or a gathering where I have for company people besides me and my shadow. And I am happy in this cocoon life where I preserve my ignorance within me and never get exposed.. (if you are silent people may think you are ignorant. The moment you open up, you confirm their fears)
Now, I never ever imagined that I will have to sit through a session like this in my life. Not that I have strong likings or opinions about anything, but to expect an introvert like me to survive a conversation like the following must be a travesty of my faith in public life.
He: How is life in the new place? You play Golf? Or Soccer? Which is your favorite team?
Me: Life is fine – could have been better though. No I don’t play golf although I have played a few times in the recent past. I tend to hold the Club like a hockey stick and swing it like a Cricket Bat with footwork that one uses for pulling a long hop over the mid-wicket. So my Caddy told me I can never make it to the top grade and I may require atleast a thousand Pars to reach the eighteenth-hole.
He: That’s pretty interesting and funny.
Me: Indeed. I like to play soccer but don’t know where the best grounds are. I used to like ManU but since I don’t know who are its current players and its coach, I have no opinion.
He: That’s great – I can introduce you to some country side clubs.
[I, for a moment thought, if I was going to play for one of those counties. In my school days I always wanted to be playing for Hampshire (alongside Barry Richards) or Somerset (Viv and Ian) but then it required cricketing skills]
Me: Let’s see. I have other priorities for the present. Will surely let you know if I would want to.
He: Then how is this (what’s his name…) Tandulkaar doing. Is he still playing. Must be great fun watching him playing.
Me: [On a normal day I would have strangulated him but he had, among other things, the responsibility of being my pay-master]. I corrected, ‘its Sachin Tendulkar’, the greatest batsman of our times, often compared to The Don by critics. He still plays and every team in the world is praying that he retires soon. And its sheer delight (and not fun) watching him. I am lucky to have been born and be living in the same era like him (and equally unlucky to be living in the same era like this person who doesn’t keep track of Sachin)
He: That’s great. Is Shaarook Kaan acting these days. I met him some time back in HighStreet. Nice Guy. How is Aishwarya Rai doing. [And many questions]
Me: [again the same frustration..]. Yes Sharukh Khan acts. No idea about Ash, I haven’t met her in my life.
[I ended it abruptly. I detested his penchant for pronouncing male names incorrectly. I thought it was inappropriate to be asking me about such high profile individuals. And I felt quite low to realize that he considered me good only for such trivia. I would have been an equally good candidate for discussions on Solar System, Global Warming, Green Revolution, Molecular Biology, Honda’s trading losses, Jupiter’s transit into Aries, Mclaren’s dreams, Apple’s guidance for first quarter, the fate of global economy etc but why just these few issues. Was it because he thought after Independence, India has progressed only in sports and cinema.]
Well things have to change. I have to start talking.'
I walked out like a cat caught in a rain. And thought to myself...'
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